


if you told him. (seungjin)

by castiel (kyubin)



Series: “ for a minute there, i lost myself ” [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 10:39:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17548112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyubin/pseuds/castiel
Summary: if you told him that you loved him, he'd laugh and ask why.





	if you told him. (seungjin)

**Author's Note:**

> an au oneshot that took me 3 months to pull out of my ass. and it's still short. 
> 
> not exactly proofread (/•0•)/ so uhm. 
> 
> also this is my 1st (read: FIRSTEST) one shot ever. k :)
> 
> c. vhsfics

**“is everything okay with seungmin?”**  
  
…  
  
_**november 20, 2018.**_  
  
it was a cold, winter evening, and jeongin’s hair felt soft inbetween hyunjin’s fingers. the small boys faint snores pricked his ears and lulled him into a well needed sense of calmness. however, as to why jeongin was sleeping on his lap at 7 o’clock wasn’t really his biggest concern because kim seungmin was running circles in his mind.  
  
hyunjin sighed, staring down at the younger boys tear streaked face. “i love you, innie,” he whispered lowly.  
  
as the sun set over seoul, jeongin peacefully slept. hyunjin had been moved him to his room to better let the younger boy be comfortable.  
  
he brewed himself a pot of coffee and sat down deciding to watch his favorite movie. however, he couldn’t stop thinking about him─about seungmin.  
  
…  
  
_**september 15, 2018**_  
  
“i love you.”  
  
his laugh felt like bitterness laced with hurt, “and why is that?”  
  
…  
  
_**november 20, 2018.**_  
  
for the whole movie, hyunjin did nothing but stare and blink. every actor was seungmin, every setting was seungmin, every word was seungmin, and every thought was seungmin.  
  
it’s not as if seungmin was dead. it’s not as if seungmin was gone─shit he could call him in a few clicks of his phone. but it was scary, and it scared him.  
  
four weeks ago, hyunjin could look seungmin in the eyes and smile a smile that made him feel warm, but today, he could only look seungmin in the eyes and stop.  
  
his heart sunk at the thought of that saturday. the saturday that lead him into hating himself.  
  
…  
  
_**october 23, 2018.**_  
  
“you know, if jeongin wasn’t such a fucking bitch, then he wouldn’t have gotten beaten up.”  
  
“but, seungmin, you had no right─”  
  
“actually, hyung, i think i had all the right. jeongin was annyoing, a liar, a trader─he used me!” seungmin barked, “do you not understand my dilemma?”  
  
hyunjin blinked, his mind a blank, “no, i think i’m having trouble understanding why you beat up jeongin.”  
  
seungmin bit his lip and rolled his eyes, tapping on the counter his was sitting at, “you’re just like him. always by someone elses side and never your own. don’t you two ever consider how i feel, or am i just another person to the both of you?”  
  
…  
  
_**november 20, 2018.**_  
  
hyunjin dropped his mug. his face contorted. his lips turned down and his eyes scrunched up as they welled into tears. “..  or am i just another person to the both of you…”  
  
thunder rang outside as rain hit the window. hyunjin bent down, picking up the pieces of glass so jeongin wouldn’t step on them later and hurt himself. truthfully, hyunjin had been wanting to hurt himself for a while.  
  
…  
  
_**october 23, 2018.**_  
  
“i never wanna see or hear from you again, hyunjin.”  
  
“but seungmin─”  
  
“go to hell!”  
  
…  
  
_**november 20, 2018.**_  
  
thunder, again, pierced his ears.  
  
…  
  
_**november 22, 2018**_.  
  
jeongin was beginning to open up to him about his relationship with seungmin. they talked and talked, but nothing said was what hyunjin wanted to hear.  
  
“so why did he punch you?”  
  
“depends…”  
  
“what is that supposed to mean?” hyunjin asked as he titled jeongin’s chin up.  
  
he felt jeongin’s face heat up. his ears became red. “it just… depends.”  
  
hyunjin deadpanned. his eyes scanned jeongin he tried to shield his face from hyunjin’s eyes, with no avail.  
  
 “in-ah.” jeongin shivered at how serious his voice sounded. how you could hear the eagerness in his voice, and how you could feel the nervousness in the palm of his hand.  
  
jeongin swallowed. “hyunjin hyung,” he replied softly. his head leaning more into hyunjin’s touch.  
  
 “yang jeongin.”  
  
 “it’s nothing, hyung. seungmin hyung was just… being… playful.” hyunjin’s eyes scrunched up and lines formed on his forehead. playful? ha, no. he was not that dumb for sure.  
  
jeongin closed his eyes. hyunjin’s hands comforted him ─ made him feel safe. the warmth that he felt (despite his face being flushed a dark shade of red from thinking about seungmin) relaxed him. he didn’t know if it was hyunjin that relaxed him or the fact that his hyung had such perfectly warm hands.  
  
suddenly, hyunjin asked, “what the fuck you mean ‘playful’?”  
  
jeongin almost died. he looked hyunjin in the eyes and saw the pure anger and rage that radiated from him. “i-”  
  
“he beat you to the ground with a damn baseball bat! but he was being playful? jeongin,” he inhaled sharply, not noticing the way jeongin flinched at the sound of his own name, “i should’ve fucking beat you up myself.”  
  
…  
  
_**august 2, 2018.**_  
  
the grass crunched under his feet as he ran through the forest.  
  
“wow, this is inconvenient.”  
  
“shut up, felix.” changbin retorted from behind him.  
  
hyunjin was panting, wheezing, suffocating just to see woojin and chan kiss a top the river and proclaim their marriage. of course he was proud of his hyungs ─ he was and always will be ─ but he just didn’t want them to be ridiculed for this. he never did.  
  
“i,” jisung coughed mid sentence, “i see woojin hyung!”  
  
and, of course, there they were.  
  
chan hyung on one knee. woojin hyung wiping away the stray tears that adorned his lovely face. woojin and chan married with felix crying and hugging onto the two asking if they could finally adopt him.  
  
seungmin, however, wasn’t all that trilled about the marriage.  
  
“why are they marrying?” he asked pulling hyunjin over to the side, “why them?”  
  
“i dunno. they just like each other,” hyunjin retorted watching as chan wiped icing of changbin’s dark red lips, “i think they can raise a kid.”  
  
hyunjin could see the venom in seungmin’s eyes. confusion riddled him. “is there something wrong?”  
  
“i don’t agree,” seungmin huffed. hyunjin was still at a lost, for he had no clue what seungmin was talking about.  
  
the ringing of bells pierced their ears as minho chased jeongin around the forest.  
  
“don’t agree with what, min-ah?” hyunjin’s voice was barely audible over everyones noise. jeongin’s high pitched screams and changbin’s whines filled his ears to the point where it suddenly became annoying.  
  
“i don’t agree with them getting married.”  
  
if hyunjin couldn’t hear a minute ago, it was crystal clear now. “what? why?” hyunjin asked in disbelief.  
  
“gay.” and that was all he had to say.  
  
hyunjin choked, “you can’t be serious.”  
  
“i am.”  
  
“but min-ah, they’ve been dating for 6 years. we’ve only been knowing them since then - how are suddenly not agreeing with them being gay?”  
  
seungmin fell silent. before he spoke in a low whisper, “i’m leaving.”  
  
hyunjin was left to watch seungmin turn around and walk away. “min-ah…”  
  
…  
  
_**november 22, 2018.**_  
  
“hyung, i-”  
  
“PLAYFUL?” hyunjin eyes were leaking as his face was a deep shade of red. fuck, he didn’t mean to scare jeongin, but bitch, he was upset. thoughts plaqued his brain and every worse case scenario played over and over. fuck.  
  
“hyung, you’re hurting me,” jeongin whined as hyunjin grabbed his wrist tightly, “please let go- let go!” jeongin sobbed loudly, but all hyunjin heard was the blood rushing through his ears.  
  
hyunjin couldn’t even hear jeongin’s pleads over all the noise in his head. “hyung!” jeongin pleaded, “hyu- ow!” hyunjin had just twisted jeongin’s wrist all the way around, a sickening snap accompanied the motion.  
  
hyunjin blinked.  
  
“oh shit.”  
  
…  
  
_**november 22, 2018**_.  
  
“this is unacceptable behavior, hyunjin.”  
  
“i know… i’m sorry,” hyunjin apologized.  
  
jisung huffed, his pretty, plump cheeks filling with air before his breath out. “poor innie,” jisung sighed, rubbing his hands through his soft, orange hair.  
  
changbin (who was sitting next to him on minho’s lap) patted the younger boy on the shoulder with a crooked smile, “it’s okay.”  
  
no, it wasn’t okay.  
  
“hyunjin,” chan started, “i don’t know what overcame you to hurt jeongin, but please,” he sighed, “please try not to.”  
  
“okay, hyu-”  
  
“was it about seungmin?” felix asked. he was sitting criss-cross on the hospital chair in between chan and woojin.  
  
“no,” hyunjin lied. “no, no it wasn’t.”  
  
changbin scoffed, “sure,” he rolled his eyes and squirmed on minho’s lap, “not seungmin my ass.”  
  
“seo changbin,” woojin said forcefully.  
  
“what,” changbin barked, “are we supposed to pretend like seungmin isn’t fuckin’ with hyunjin’s head? like c’mon-”  
  
“seo changbin!” woojin yelled.  
  
…  
  
_you are my sunshine, my only sunshine._  
  
…  
  
“hwang hyunjin was the death of me,”  
  
…  
  
_you make me happy when sky’s are gray._  
  
…  
  
“he hates me.”  
  
…  
  
_you’ll never know, dear, how much i love you._  
  
…  
  
“hyunjin!”  
  
…  
  
_**december 1, 2018.**_  
  
hwang hyunjin attempted suicide on december 1st. he bled out out on his carpet as the world faded away. until he woke up. chan hugging him to hard, woojin whispering soft words, pissed changbin, jeongin being confronted by minho, and felix playing with his hands in the corner of the room. the white room with a white bed.  
  
“i’m sorry─”  
  
“sush sush sush. it’s okay, hyunjin,” woojin hushed in a raspy voice. “just rest.”  
  
but it wasn’t okay. changbin was right. seungmin fucked with hyunjin’s head. and that will never be okay.  
  
…  
  
_**december 2, 2018.**_  
  
kim seungmin called hwang hyunjin on december 2nd.  
  
he didn’t answer.  
  
…  
  
_**december 3, 2018**_  
  
the echo of hyunjin’s phone rang through his apartment. though he couldn’t bring himself to move. he hated how he was still suffering. suffering because of kim seungmin.  
  
…  
  
_please don’t take my sunshine away._  
  
...  
  
_**january 12, 2019**_  
  
“i finally understand, hyunjin. i finally understand.”  
  
...  
  
_**november 22, 2018**_  
  
hyunjin whiped the stray tears that cascaded down his face. why his body decided the suddenly feel the remorse of hurting his little brother baffled him. jeongin was in that room getting a cast because of him.  
  
felix sat up, “are you okay?”  
  
“yes.”  
  
hyunjin lied, again.  
  
...  
  
_**january 12, 2019.**_  
  
“NEW VOICEMAIL  
  
one (1) new voicemail from: seungmin  
  
hyunjin, i understand why you're not answering. i understand why you're mad at me. i understand.  
  
but, you were not the one to off yourself, hwang hyunjin. that was me. that was always me. hwang hyunjin, i want you to know how much you impacted my life in the most amazing ways.  
  
i spent six beautiful years with you, but i need you to understand. it was time for me to go. i was nothing but wasted air, hwang hyunjin. oxygen that you could've been breathing. i wasn't blossoming like you or getting married like chan and woojin hyung. by the way, i had no problem with the hyung's marriage. i had a problem with how beautiful it was. i wanted you to hate me, hyunjin.  
  
i'm sorry for beating jeongin up. he's not a liar. he's naïve. he thought i was playing with him, until i wasn't. i didn't want - i didn't - listen i didn't mean to hurt him to that degree. i wanted him to hate me. i just needed all of you to hate me.  
  
i didn't want to leave anyone sad. i wanted everyones memory of me to be angry. to not care that i was gone: i was gone.  
  
hwang hyunjin, i understand now.  
  
and─  
  
...  
  
_**january 12, 2019.**_  
  
kim seungmin was found hung in his bedroom on january 12, 2019. day6's 'i need somebody' blasted from the speakers on his bedroom floor (he was always hyunjin's favorite myday.) 'i need somebody' will always be hyunjin's least favorite song.  
  
...  
  
i love you too, hwang hyunjin. ”

**Author's Note:**

> okay we can agree that the beginning portions were preeeee-t bad. that's what a 3 month difference make lmfao.


End file.
